


Opinions Hanging Over My Head

by V_eliza



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Anxious Evan "Buck" Buckley, Bad Parenting, Bobby Nash Being a Dad, Buck Begins, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Gen, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Maddie Buckley is a Good Sister, Mentions of Cancer, Minor Character Death, Panic Attacks, Post-Season/Series 03 AU, Protective Athena Grant, Protective Bobby Nash, Protective Maddie Buckley, Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, madney, my sister's keeper AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:48:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24607225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/V_eliza/pseuds/V_eliza
Summary: Inspired by My Sister's KeeperFor the past few years he’d been saving money, preparing for the day when he could finally escape the hurt. Now, his bags were packed, his car was loaded and all that was left was saying goodbye. He did everything he could to be the man his parents wanted him to be, but nothing was ever going to be enough. He was supposed to save his brother, but he couldn’t do it. To Nathaniel and Caroline Buckley, Evan was nothing, a nobody, someone not worth love and affection.
Relationships: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Athena Grant, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Howie "Chimney" Han, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 56
Kudos: 332





	1. I’m Still Ashamed Of Who I Used To Be

Maddie had always wanted to be a mother, to have a family of her own. Up until now she never thought she would get it. There was no way she was going to risk raising a child while stuck with Doug. It just wasn’t safe and definitely not fair to the child that would be born into such a toxic environment. She though the ship had sailed on having kids of her own. Then she met Howard, and here they were staring at an ultrasound of their beautiful, healthy baby. Neither of them could wait much longer to share the news. They’d kept it quiet for a while, wanting to wait until she was a bit further along, but these past few weeks had taught them a very important lesson: Maddie Buckley and Howard Han were very impatient people. No more waiting, it was time they told everyone, and that included the Buckley parents. Maddie had put off speaking to her mother and father for a long time. They had never approved of Doug and she feared the inevitable ‘I told you so’ lecture after she left him. Luckily, they’d been so overjoyed to be back in contact with her that they held off on questioning her past choices, instead focusing on the life ahead of her. There was only one problem now… Her brother.

Evan hadn’t been on speaking terms with their parents since he left home at eighteen. She didn’t know the whole story, after all she was long gone by the time he went to college. All she knew was that every time she brought them up, he shut down, changed the topic and avoided the conversation. The 911 operator knew inviting her parents to LA could backfire, but she wanted them to have a relationship with their grandchild and that meant fixing things with their son.

* * *

The past year hadn’t been kind to Evan Buckley. To say it had kicked his ass would be an understatement. He fought back hard but when you have enough near-death experiences in a row you begin to question whether something is wrong with you. Surely, some higher-being was punishing him for something. Deep down, Buck was pretty sure he knew what he was being penalised for. He regretted a lot of things and spent many nights lying awake replaying various moments from his life in his head, picking apart every detail and analysing everything he did wrong. The list of reasons why Evan could have pissed God off was long, or at least it was in his opinion. Though, if you gave that list to someone else, they would likely cross things off claiming Buck was being too hard on himself and some would probably argue his good deeds would outweigh his mistakes. But none of that mattered to Buck. His days were now spent just waiting for the next disaster to strike, hoping that he could survive it, whatever it may be. He was so convinced that life would test him once again that every time someone close to him wanted to speak with him, he would feel himself begin to panic. Waves of nausea would drown his body, hands and feet shaking from the force. He hid it pretty well, no one seemed to have caught on to Buck’s growing anxiety problems. Everyone he cared about was enjoying life right now, things were looking up for them and he was desperate not to let his fears eat away at their happiness like they had his own.

So when Maddie walked into the firehouse one Monday afternoon, asking everyone to gather around, he felt those fears rise rapidly. She looked nervous and that scared the hell out of him. He’d almost lost her too many times, and he couldn’t handle going through that again. Being so caught up in ‘what ifs’, Evan didn’t notice the small smiles Maddie and Chimney were sending each other, if he had maybe he wouldn’t have felt so afraid in that moment.

“I have something I need to tell you guys…” The eldest Buckley’s voice shook has she spoke. Every possibility crowded Evan’s brain. _Maybe she’s sick, maybe she’s dying, maybe she’s in trouble._ Buck just hoped he could hold himself together long enough to reassure her in her time of need.

“Well, we have something to tell you!” That confused Evan. This wasn’t just about Maddie. _Oh god_ , he thought to himself, _maybe her and Chimney are moving away_. They are going to leave him, he knew it, everyone left him eventually.

“We’re having a baby!”

It took way too long for those words to sink in. First came relief, then shock and finally pure happiness. It was a kind of joy he hadn’t felt in a very long time. He barely noticed the tears begin to fall as he made his way over to his sister, gently pulling her into his arms. While the two siblings embraced, the other members of the 118 congratulated Chimney, knowing that Evan and Maddie needed a moment, just the two of them. Both of them were crying by the time they let go of one another, at which point the younger of the two turned to Chim, swiftly punching him in the arm.

“Howard Han, you got my sister pregnant. I am going to kill you!” The house erupted into laughter as the two firefighters chased each other around the kitchen, teasing one another as they play fought.

Eventually, they became out of breath and much like he had his sister, Evan pulled Howie in for hug, making sure to whisper another playful threat into the shorter man’s ear. “If you hurt her, you will wish the rebar had killed you.” He threw a comical glare as he walked away from Chim, immediately returning to his sister’s side, beginning his countless questions for her.

“When are you due? When do you find out the sex? Do you have any name ideas? Are you going to move in with Chimney?” Maddie rolled her eyes, there was no doubt his list of questions could go on for a while. She answered the ones she could, shooting pleading looks at her boyfriend hoping he would answer some for her… He didn’t. He just laughed at the youngest firefighter’s antics.

When their shifts ended several hours later, everyone went home to their families while Evan went home to an empty apartment. He was happy for sister, he really was, but he couldn’t help the dread that began to choke him. Maddie and Chimney were becoming a family, they wouldn’t need him anymore. It’s time he got used to being lonely, it wasn’t going to change anytime soon.

He wallowed in self-pity for a while, unsure what to do with himself. He tried watching TV, but he couldn’t focus. He tried relaxing with a book, but his eyes couldn’t follow the words. In the end he found himself in his kitchen, baking until he ran out of ingredients.

The night went by in a blur and suddenly he was back on shift. Chimney spent most of their down time asking for advice about becoming a parent, not realising how detached it was making Buck feel. He was the only one that couldn’t offer any input, so he remained in the corner, silently observing, holding himself back from begging someone to notice him.

Several calls later and they were still discussing their experiences in raising children. But talking about kids led to talking about parents. The 118 knew nothing about the Buckley family outside of Maddie and Buck, and that was about to change.

“Oh Buck, speaking of parents, any advice for next week?”

“Uhm, what’s happening next week?” A look of utter panic took over Buck’s face. What had he forgotten now? Maybe he should’ve listened to Maddie when she told him to get a planner.

“You know, when I meet your parents. Maddie said they’re coming into town.”

To say all colour left Evan’s face at that statement would not be an exaggeration. He became like a statue, not moving, not talking and at one point possibly even not breathing. After taking a shaky breath, he slowly looked towards Chimney, trembling as he did so.

“What did you just say?”

No one knew what to do. Clearly Buck wasn’t aware of his parents impending visit. Maddie hadn’t told him yet. They’d never seen Buck like this. He was scared, shuddering in dread. Chimney felt his stress levels rocket. _Had he crossed a line here? Was he not supposed to say that?_ Maddie hadn’t mentioned anything about her parent’s relationship with Buck, how was he supposed to know that the topic was off limits.

“Uhm…” The alarm saved Chimney, almost as if it knew he was in distress. They all promptly pushed the conversation to the back of their minds, loaded into the truck and sped towards the emergency.

* * *

Receiving a text from her boyfriend mid-shift wasn’t unexpected. During his longest shifts he often sends Maddie romantic encouragements and flirty emojis, keeping her sane through her stressful work hours. So, the moment she heard her phone ding she immediately smiled to herself, figuring Howie was just being the kind and loving boyfriend he always was. Before even opening the full message, she knew something was wrong. Howie was typing in full sentences, that never meant anything good.

_Hey Maddie,_

_I think I messed up. I mentioned your parents coming into town to Buck. I didn’t realise he didn’t know. He sort of freaked out. We are on a call right now, so we didn’t really get to talk about it. I’m so sorry, I guess I shouldn’t have told him. What do you want me to do?_

Maddie wasn’t mad at Howard, she hadn’t told him not to inform Buck, she couldn’t really blame him for letting the cat out of the bag. She figured it would be better for Nathaniel and Caroline Buckley to just show up, at least that way Evan wouldn’t spend the days leading up to their visit overreacting. All she wanted was for her parents to meet the father of their future grandchild, it shouldn’t be this complicated. In an action full of regret and annoyance, Maddie dropped her head into her hands, breathing slowly as she tried to figure out her next move. She should probably talk to Buck. This was not going to be an easy conversation. Getting him alone would be the trickiest part. He had several long shifts over the next few days, which meant every second he had to himself would be spend resting up for the following day of work. This wasn’t something she could do over text, but her schedule was similar to Evan’s, so she also couldn’t just drop by the firehouse to talk. _What on earth was she going to do?_

The 118’s last call of the day was a long one, a large fire that took almost an hour to completely put out. The second they returned to the firehouse, Evan sped to the locker room, changing faster than anyone else, running his car and leaving before anyone could begin to question his earlier reaction to the mention of his parents. Bobby, Hen, Eddie and Chimney all looked at each other, worry lining their faces. It was unlike Buck to run from a situation, but he had just run from them.

* * *

***10 years earlier***

He was finally going to do it. Evan Buckley was leaving home and he was never looking back. Life hadn’t been kind to him, and his parents were majorly at fault. They set their standards too high, it was inevitable that he would disappoint them. He was a burden to them, a reminder of what they lost. He failed them, he failed Maddie and he failed his brother, Sammy. Evan had tried so hard to be okay. He did everything he could to make his brother proud, fighting to do something good with his life. But it was so difficult, he was all alone and he was sick of it.

Since the day his brother died, things had deteriorated. His own parents had given up on him, choosing belittlement and bullying over encouragement and unconditional love. He was completely isolated in everything he did, but he wasn’t going to let them bring he down anymore. He was done with being the kid at the back of the shelf, he deserved to be loved and treated with respect and, as long as he lived under his parents’ roof, he wasn’t going to get that.

For the past few years he’d been saving money, preparing for the day when he could finally escape the hurt. Now, his bags were packed, his car was loaded and all that was left was saying goodbye. He did everything he could to be the man his parents wanted him to be, but nothing was ever going to be enough. He was supposed to save his brother, but he couldn’t do it. To Nathaniel and Caroline Buckley, Evan was nothing, a nobody, someone not worth love and affection.

He wasn’t sure what he was expecting when he said goodbye. Part of him had stupidly believed that maybe they would beg him to stay, apologise for treating him so poorly.

Of course, he didn’t get that. Instead he got insults and accusations, pure anger radiating from every word.

“How dare you abandon your family Evan!”

“We should’ve seen this coming Nathan. He abandoned Samuel, of course he’s abandoning us too. It’s for the best, I don’t want him here anyway.”

“You always were a disappointment Evan. If I could swap you for Sammy I would do it without a second thought. He would be so ashamed of you. Is this how you’re going to keep his memory alive, by leaving? He would want you to take care of your parents. But then again you couldn’t look after him and he died as a result, so maybe you should stay away. We wouldn’t want you to be responsible for keeping us alive because we all know you would just let your mother and I waste away, right?”

They say words can’t kill you, but his parents got pretty close that night. Every mention of his brother was like a knife to the heart. If Buck stayed with his Mother and Father, he’d be dead before his 21st birthday. He wasn’t going to take this anymore. The door was right there, all he had to do was open it.

When he walked out, Nathan and Carol slammed the door behind him so hard it almost shattered. He was finally making his way out of the place he’d never considered a home. Some may say its cowardly to run away, but it was the only thing that could help him. He got in his car and began to drive. No one else would take care of him, so it was time Evan Buckley took care of himself.


	2. All I’ll Never Know Is If You Want Me

Buck wasn’t a big drinker. Yes, he had the occasional beer with his friends, but you wouldn’t often find him in a bar, (not since his Buck 1.0 days at least). Today was an exception to that. It had been difficult, finding out that his parents were coming to town and the fact that Maddie hadn’t told him was just too much to handle sober. That’s why he found himself sat alone at a bar, racking up quite the tab. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been sat there, it had clearly been a while considering the concerned looks the bartenders were now sending his way. He remembered those looks from his own bartending days, though he was usually the one giving them. Obviously, the bar staff were worrying about how he was going to get home. He had driven here and, despite the number of drinks he’d downed, he wasn’t stupid enough to drive himself home. How exactly he was going to find his way back to his apartment didn’t matter right now though, he wasn’t done drinking yet.

A couple of tequila shots later and the guy at the bar decided it was time to rain on Buck’s parade.

“Okay buddy, think it’s time I cut you off.”

“What the hell, man!”

“I’ve closed your tab, do you need help getting a ride home?”

Before Buck could argue with the bartender, a voice came from beside him, answer the guy’s question for him.

“Hey, don’t worry, I know him. I’ll get him home.” The bartender nodded at the new arrival, making his way towards his other customers. Buck turned around, ready to tell whoever the mystery person was to back the hell off. He definitely wasn’t expecting who he came face to face with.

“Bosko?”

“Hey, Buckley. Long-time no see.”

Lena Bosko, the firefighter that had tried to take his place. His night just keeps getting worse.

“What do you want, Lena? My job?” He laughed sarcastically to himself as he finished off the remainder of his beer.

“Hey, I never wanted to take your job. You got screwed over but not by me, I just needed somewhere to be until my house was back up and running.”

“Yeah well, you introduced Eddie to street fighting so I still don’t like you.”

“Damn, don’t hold back, Buckley. You going to tell me why you’re drinking alone? Rough call today?”

“Look I don’t wanna talk about, so I’m gonna go find a bar that going to actually serve me.” He aimed the last part of his sentence directly at the bartender, sending a glare his way. Buck tried to leave, but Lena wasn’t having it. The two might not like each other, but clearly Buckley wasn’t okay, and she wasn’t about to let him walk out the door to god knows where.

“Hey why don’t I have a chat with the guy at the bar, maybe they’ll let you stay a little longer.”

“Awwww. You’re not as bad as I thought.” If he was a little less wasted, he would’ve seen through Bosko’s undeniable lie. She just needed him distracted long enough to call someone to pick him up. She scrolled through her contacts for a while, hovering over Diaz’s number. Maybe he wasn’t the best choice, Buckley was in a visibly emotional state and Eddie couldn’t handle his own feelings let alone someone else’s. She was left with one option…

* * *

The last thing Bobby Nash expected at 1am was a phone call from firefighter, Lena Bosko. When his eyes adjusted following his abrupt waking, he moved the phone up to his ear while pressing ‘accept’, bracing himself for bad news. The only reason she could be calling is that Eddie’s fighting again, there is no other explanation. He took a deep breath and answered, glancing at his wife who was now awake and looking rather unamused.

“Bosko? Uh why are you calling?”

“Hi Captain Nash, sorry for the late hour. I’m at a bar downtown and Buckley is here. He’s completely out of his mind drunk right now. I would take him home, but I don’t know where he lives, and I think he’s too far gone to be able to tell me. I’m not really sure what to do here. Can you maybe text me his address so I can get him home?” It took a few seconds for Bobby’s brain to catch up with the words he was hearing. _Buck was drunk?_ This wasn’t normal, he needed to see the young man for himself and make sure he was okay.

“Uhm. Can you just try and keep him there? Text me where you are, and I’ll come and get him.”

“Are you sure? I don’t mind driving home.”

“No don’t worry about it. I’ll be there soon. Thanks, Bosko.”

“No, problem.”

He was out of bed immediately, grabbing the nearest clothes and chucking them on.

“Honey, what’s going on?”

Bobby had told his wife of the concerning behaviour of his youngest firefighter during their earlier shift. Athena, being the cop that she is, offered to look into the Buckley parents, hoping to find some answers, but Bobby quickly shut that down. If Buck wanted to talk to them, he would. They needed to wait for him to come to them, invading his privacy by digging into his past wouldn’t end well for anyone.

“Buck’s drunk at a bar and he needs a lift home.”

Sergeant Grant’s motherly instincts kicked in instantaneously. This didn’t sound like typical Buck behaviour. Something must be wrong if he’s out getting drunk by himself on a work night.

“Hold on, I’ll come with you.”

May and Harry were at Michaels for the night so there was no need to worry about leaving in the middle of the night to collect their biggest child. She knew that, even though he wouldn’t admit it, Bobby needed support right now. He had been worried about Buck since their shift ended hours ago and hearing that the kid was drinking away his problems brought up unpleasant memories for the fire Captain. Bobby smiled gratefully at his wife as they grabbed their keys and headed for the car. They just hoped Bosko could keep Buck where he was until they arrived.

Thankfully, the bar wasn’t too far away from the Grant-Nash household and when they got there, Evan and Lena were still sat at the bar. Bosko spotted Bobby in the corner of her eye, waving him over subtly so Buckley make a run for it.

“Hey Buckley, your ride is here.” She said, nodding towards the man now stood behind Buck.

“C’mon Buck, let’s get you home.” The look on Buck’s face was perplexing. He seemed angry and confused and happy all at the same time.

“What the hell, you called Bobby?” He yelled accusingly at Bosko. “Why would you do that? You want to take my job back, is that it?”

Athena chose that moment to intervene, not wanting Buck to go too far with his drunken comments. She grabbed his arm, forcing him to face her.

“Buckaroo get your ass in the car now. Don’t make me call your sister!” Evan knew, even drunk, that you shouldn’t mess with Athena Grant when she brings out her cop voice. Bobby smirked slightly at the way the young man instantly did what she asked, looking like a kid who lost a balloon as he made his way to their vehicle with his personal police escort.

“Damn, that was impressive.” Lena commented, clearly impressed with Athena’s abilities.

“Yeah. Thank you for calling me. Look, I’m not going to make excuses for his behaviour, but he didn’t mean what he said to you. He’s just having a rough time is all.”

“Nah, don’t worry about it. I get it, we’ve all been there.” They shook hands and the Captain swiftly departed the establishment. The sight waiting for him in his car was both adorable and troubling, Buck was already passed out in the back seat.

The ride home was uneventful, there was an unspoken agreement between the couple that Buck was staying with hem for the night. They couldn’t leave him alone in the state he was in. Choosing not to wake the sleeping man, Bobby carried him to the spare room, gently placing him in the bed, Athena draping the covers over Buck’s body.

“He really is our kid, huh?”

“Yeah, he is.”

* * *

Buck wasn’t sure how the hell he got here. One minute he was at the bar and the next he was jolting awake in his boss’s spare bedroom. He didn’t have much time to think about it though, his hangover wasn’t waiting for his brain to begin fully functioning. Moving as fast as he good, Evan rushed to the nearest bathroom, dropping to the floor with a painful thud and throwing up last night’s many, many drinks.

His rough awakening didn’t go unnoticed by the house’s occupants who were already prepared with a glass of water and some aspirin as they went to check on the young man huddled on the bathroom floor.

“Morning Buckaroo, how are we feeling?” Athena asked softly as she joined him on the floor, rubbing her hand up and down his back lovingly.

“Uhhhh. Not good.”

“I’m not surprised, you were quite far gone when we came to get you.” Bobby was regarding him with a rather judgmental glare. He wasn’t impressed with Buck right now.

“I’m sorry” neither Bobby nor Athena were expecting the sudden eruption of tears that escaped Evan’s eyes. Both of them were at his side immediately, bringing him into a comforting group hug. Over his head, the two shared worried glances, something was wrong with Buck and neither knew how to help him.

When the sobbing began to slow, Athena decided it was time to take charge. She needed to know what was going on and so did her husband.

“Buck, you’re clearly not okay. Please talk to us, tell us what’s going on. We’re here for you, whatever it may be.”

* * *

***28 Years Earlier***

Nathaniel and Caroline Buckley were in a situation no parent ever wanted to be in. They were sat in a doctor’s office, being told their son had leukaemia. This couldn’t be happening, not to them. Its everyone’s worst nightmare, you assume it will never happen to you, that you’ll never have to watch a loved one fight for their life. The worst part was that their beautiful boy, Sammy, was too young to understand what was going in on. He was only 5 and he was already going to have to struggle to survive.

“So, what do we do, what are our options?” Ever the organised one, Nathaniel took charge of the situation, his wife still in too much shock to weigh in.

“Donation, but unfortunately neither of you are a genetic match. We can put him on the waiting list, hope a donor pops up, but that will be risky, and we don’t have much time here.”

“What about Maddie? Could she be the donor?”

“I’m afraid not, they aren’t a match.”

Their world was crumbling around them. They had created the perfect all-American family. A professor, a lawyer, a daughter, a son and a white picket fence. Now, they could lose their youngest child. Nothing could stop the tears that escaped their eyes as they tried to comprehend their new reality.

“So now we just wait and watch our child die? Surely there is something we can do. Please doctor, there must be something” Caroline begged the white coat in front of her. She couldn’t lose her son when he’d barely had a chance to live.

“There is something, but I’m not allowed to suggest it. So, this is off the record, you did your own research and stumbled upon it, are we clear?”

The two parents looked to each other in confusion. Where was this going?

“Have you considered having another child?”

They were not expecting that.

“Maddie wasn’t a match so how can we be sure another kid would be?”

“We make sure of it. Use IVF and test the zygotes for compatibility so we have a 100 percent match. It could save your son’s life.”

“Then we have to do it.” The couple didn’t even need to discuss it. They weren’t going to lose their child when there was a way they could get around it. Their very own miracle baby could save Sammy. It was the only choice.

“Okay, but I need to be frank with you here. The concept of a ‘saviour sibling’ is hugely controversial. I would highly suggest you do a bit of research yourself before you dive in headfirst. This isn’t an easy solution, it’s just a potential way of helping your son fight this.”

The Buckley’s sat on their son’s bedroom floor that night, reminiscing on the day he was born, while also trying to comfort their ten-year-old daughter who had sobbed herself to sleep in their arms. Clinging to each other, the couple cried for their son, for the time he would lose being confined to a hospital bed. If they could take away the pain themselves, they would do it in a heartbeat, but they couldn’t. Nathan and Carol discussed their options in hushed whispers. It was a crazy and surreal thought, having a child whose simple existence would enable them to love their son for as long as possible. They would do anything to care for Sammy and if having another child was the quickest way to get him help then it was what they were going to do, even if they weren’t equipped to raise another kid.


	3. Anyone, Please Send Me Anyone

It had taken Buck a while to clean himself up after his rough morning. Bobby offered him some spare clothes and Athena was preparing him a relatively bland breakfast in the hope of settling his stomach. He’d agreed to talk to them, but he couldn’t do it while curled up on their bathroom floor, smelling like booze and vomit. He was so humiliated. Athena didn’t let him worry about it for long, dragging him from the spare bedroom once he was dressed and placing him at the dining table, a full plate of food in front of him.

“Eat up, Buckaroo!” She yelled as she made her way into the kitchen. Bobby joined him at the table, digging into his own breakfast, clearly unsure how to start the discussion.

“Seriously, what is it with men and talking about their feelings?” Athena quipped as she made her way to the table, rolling her eyes dramatically. “I guess I’ll start the conversation then, huh?” Neither man responded, leading to the sergeant once again rolling her eyes and releasing a sarcastic sigh.

“Buck, sweetheart, Bobby told me what happened during your shift yesterday. I’m willing to bet that how you’re feeling right now has something to do with your parents coming to visit. Am I right?”

Buck couldn’t quite get the words out yet, choosing instead to nod gently while staring down at the hands in his lap. Bobby then spoke up, realising that Evan wasn’t going to.

“Look, we aren’t going to force you to tell us anything if you aren’t ready. But we’re worried. If you can’t tell us why you’re struggling right now at least give us some ideas on how to help you through this.” The genuine sincerity coming from the fire captain’s voice was enough to shatter the walls Buck had spent years carefully constructing. There was no stopping the emotions flow as he began to speak.

“The last time my parents looked me in the eye I was 11 and I haven’t spoken to them since I turned 18.” The statement was short and lacked detail, but it was enough to shock the adults sitting with him. As parents themselves, Athena and Bobby couldn’t imagine actively ignoring their own child in the way Buck’s parents had. No wonder he latched on to the two sat in front of him as parental figures.

“I guess that explains why they never came to visit when you were in the hospital.”

“Uhm, well I never told them about the truck or the embolism or the tsunami, I don’t even know how to contact them anymore.” Athena’s heart broke for Evan. He was the epitome of a gentleman. He had a heart of gold and was always going out of his way to take care of the ones he loved. _How on earth could anyone abandon a son like Buck?_ She swallowed down her tears, desperately needing to ask some questions.

“Did Maddie not call them?”

“No, she just assumed I had. It doesn’t matter though, even if she had told them, they still wouldn’t come to visit.”

“I’m sure if they knew you were hurt, they would’ve been here.”

“They had plenty of opportunities to be there for me and they never were. I was pretty well accustomed to hospitals by the time I was five years old. I had lost count of the number of medical procedures I’d undergone before I could even read properly. My brother, Sammy, he had leukaemia and no one in my family was a genetic match. They couldn’t save him themselves. So, they made me in a test tube as spare parts for him. They took blood, stem cells, organs, bone marrow and a bunch of other stuff. I didn’t understand what was going on, I was just a kid. The first few years are sort of a blur, I was too young to remember all of it but there are bits and pieces that never seem to leave my mind. I can remember hiding in storage closets so the doctors couldn’t find me and my dad having to pin me down on an operating table so they could start the procedures. The worst part I can remember is waking up afterwards. I was always alone. My parents would be with Sammy. Neither of them was there to comfort me, to help me with the pain. They took what they needed and left me to suffer in silence. It was an endless cycle. They couldn’t find it in themselves to be there when I needed them when I was a child, there was no point in seeing if they had the decency to show up after the truck exploded.”

There were very few times in Bobby’s life when he questioned the existence of God, but after hearing what Buck had been put through, his doubts arose once again. _What higher being would allow a child to suffer so greatly and leave them with no support system?_ What Evan’s parents had done to him was beyond cruel, it was abusive and immoral. If he could go back in time and save the man he sees as a son from the pain he was made to endure, he would do it in a heartbeat.

Athena was also struggling to comprehend what she’d just heard. These people didn’t deserve to call themselves parents. Whatever they were going through with their other son wasn’t an excuse to use Buck the way they did. They didn’t love him the way he deserved, there wasn’t a doubt in her mind that the two of them should be behind bars.

“Buckaroo, I don’t know what to say.” It was a rare thing to see Athena Grant speechless, her composed persona had crumbled, and she lost all ability to speak. Bobby had never seen her like this before. He too didn’t know what to say, he could tell that speaking about the Buckley parents was particularly painful for Buck, so he opted for a different approach.

“Tell us about Sammy. What was he like?”

“He was the best. He was only six when I was born, he’d been diagnosed 11 months prior. So, he also didn’t really understand what was going on. But when he was old enough to figure it out, he did everything he could to help me. No matter how weak he was feeling or how sick he got, he always made sure I was okay, always thanked me for saving him. But I didn’t save him. I didn’t do enough. I couldn’t save him. I couldn’t save him. I’m sorry. I couldn’t save him.”

Buck, once again, collapsed into Athena’s arms, barely able to stay upright, as he repeated himself over and over again.

“I couldn’t save him. I couldn’t save him.”

His pseudo-parents did whatever they could to comfort him. Athena was humming in his ear and stroking his hair. Her motherly nature was something Buck had never experienced before. Meanwhile, Bobby sat next to him, arm resting on his shoulder, reminding him every few seconds that he was going to be okay, that he did everything he could.

The married couple looked at each other while they held their son. Their eyes were full of raw emotion, and desperation. They needed to help him, but they didn’t know how. One thing was certain though, if either of them ever laid eyes on the Buckley parents, they wouldn’t hold themselves back. Someone needed to stand up for Buck, be the mother and father he never had, and they were going to be that for him. He was their son now and no one hurts their family.

* * *

***17 Years Earlier***

The Buckley’s (minus Sammy) were sat around the dining room table. Sammy had been admitted to hospital yet again. He’d gone into kidney failure. Buck knew what this family meeting was going to be about… They wanted his kidney. Maddie had returned home after hearing of Sammy’s sudden admission to the ER. Doug wasn’t with her (thankfully), he was unable to get time off work with such short notice. The four of them stared each other down, this wasn’t going to be a simple discussion. They all knew an argument was on the horizon.

“I don’t want to do it. It’s my kidney. Why does no one ever ask me what I want?”

“Quit being so selfish Evan!”

“Mum stop! We agreed to let Evan talk, so let him.” Maddie’s voice was unusually timid as she stood up for her baby brother. Being with Doug had changed her but no one had the time to dwell on that.

“This isn’t as simple as all the other things you’ve made me do. Its gonna change the rest of my life. There is so much stuff won’t be able to do. I’ve never gotten to be normal, act like a kid, and if I donate my kidney, I will NEVER be able to do those things. I won’t be able to play sports or drink, I’ll have to be careful for the rest of my life. Shouldn’t I get to decide this?”

Nathan shook his head, unable to comprehend the self-centeredness of his youngest son.

“How dare you say that. Evan, you aren’t the one lying in a hospital bed right now. Does your brother not deserve a chance to live too? Why is your life suddenly more important than his?”

“My life had never been more important than his. You only had me to keep him alive! WHY CAN’T I BE IMPORTANT FOR ONCE? WHY DON’T I MATTER TO YOU?”

That night was the one and only time Caroline Buckley ever laid a hand on any of her children. Without even thinking she slapped her son’s cheek, leaving a red handprint alongside his birthmark. Everyone gasped, even Carol herself. But the remorse from both parents was short lived.

“We are your parents. You do not get to speak to us like that you little brat.”

Buck didn’t even bother responding, instead he stormed out of the room, grabbing his bag and running out the front door.


	4. I Do All My Own Fighting

Things had calmed down at the Grant-Nash house. After confiding in Athena and Bobby, Evan found a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He’d never had any to talk to, always having to comfort himself, but now he had a family that made damn sure he knew he didn’t have to fight alone. The three first responders made small talk as they continued their breakfast, somewhat relieved to be enjoying a light-hearted conversation. They talked about some of their funnier calls and bonded over their shared experiences. If this was what having a real family felt like, then Buck never wanted to lose it.

Of course, Evan’s life has never been easy. Just as they were washing the dishes his phone began to ring. For a moment he forgot about his current situation, answering the phone without even considering who might be on the other end.

“Hello?”

“Hey baby brother!”

The cold returned to Buck’s veins as reality hit him once again. Athena and Bobby exchanged concerned glances at the way Evan’s body suddenly went rigid. Quickly yet carefully, they made their way to his side, ready to support him should he need it.

“Uhm, hi Mads. What’s up?” Buck tried hard to remain casual, but his voice couldn’t seem to stop wavering. He knew exactly what she wanted to talk about, but maybe playing dumb could get him out of it.

“C’mon Evan, you know why I’m calling…” He chose not to respond, seeing it best to let her say whatever it was she needed to.

“I should’ve told you that Mum and Dad were coming to LA. I’m so sorry you found out the way you did.”

“That’s what you’re sorry for?”

“Okay. Okay. I’m sorry I didn’t discuss it with you before inviting them, it should’ve been a decision we made together, and I definitely shouldn’t have gone behind your back. I thought it was for the best. I know you, Buck. If you were aware that they were coming to visit you would’ve spent the lead up to their arrival completely stressed out. I really did think this would’ve been easier on you.

“You mean easier for you, right?”

“Look, I don’t know what happened between you guys after Sammy passed but I want them to be in my child’s life. Please don’t be the one that stands in the way of that.”

“I won’t. If you want them in your kid’s life, I won’t intervene, but I’m not just going to pretend things are okay between me and them.” Bobby smiled proudly at Buck. He was full of admiration for him, watching the man calmly try and compromise with his sister.

“Okay, just try and be civil.”

“I’m not the one you’ll need to say that to.” Sensing the growing tension, Athena lovingly rubbed her hands up and down Buck’s back attempting to soothe him as best she could.

“Okay, I’ll have the same conversation with them.” Buck let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. He and Maddie got dangerously close to argument just then and he was very relieved it didn’t escalate.

“There’s one more thing, Buck.” _God dammit_ , Buck thought to himself, _there’s always something else_.

“What is it?” The fact that Maddie hesitated before saying her next few words set off alarm bells in Buck’s head. Clearly, she already knew that what she was about to say was going to upset him.

“Mum and Dad moved up their visit. They’ll be here in a few hours… Sorry, I’ve got to go, I’ve got a doctor’s appointment. I might stop by the station when I’ve picked them up from the airport, they really want to meet chimney. Love you baby bro.”

The phone fell to floor just as the eldest Buckley ended the call. Buck’s breathing picked up at an alarming rate, his fingers began to go numb and the world started to spin. He was pretty sure Bobby and Athena were talking to him, but he couldn’t hear them. The only sound was his heart beating rapidly.

_I… I can’t do this… Help me… Please…_

* * *

***17 Years Earlier***

When he ran out of his home earlier that evening, he had no plan, no idea where the hell he was going. He thought about stopping by a friend’s house, but they’d probably just call his parents. He considered checking on Sammy in the hospital but visiting hours were over. He even thought about hopping on a bus and never coming back but that wasn’t fair to Sammy. In the end, he found himself in his local library. The building was open 24 hours a day, so he didn’t have to worry about finding somewhere else to go as the night progressed. He’d left his house at 8pm, it was already 11. Three hours he’d spent wondering around aimlessly and in all that time, he hadn’t received a single phone call. His parents weren’t trying to reach him. They probably weren’t even worried. He wondered if they’d thought about looking for him, he was pretty sure the answer was no, but he still had a little bit of hope left. Another hour passed, spent reading the most random books he could find, and still his family had made no attempt to contact him. Obviously, he wasn’t wanted back home, at least not tonight. He might as well make himself at home, surrounded by the endless supply of novels, biographies and medical journals.

A thought occurred to him as he skimmed book after book. Maybe it was time he looked into medical emancipation. He found several insightful documents about it and little by little a plan began to form. But there was one big thing missing… A lawyer. The only lawyers he knew belonged to his mother’s firm, so they were obviously out of the question. _Thank god he was in a library._ He managed to find a relatively up to date directory and ended up spending the rest of the night flicking through its many pages in search of a good lawyer… a free lawyer.

Returning home the following morning was beyond awkward. The house was silent, no arguing or yelling. It was weirdly peaceful, and it hurt to think this calmness came from his absence. He stumbled into the kitchen, kicking off his shoes as he went. There he found his parents, sat around the kitchen island as though last night’s argument had never happened.

“Well, nice of you to return home, Evan.” He father’s statement was dripping in spite. The man couldn’t look his son in the eyes, completely and utterly ashamed of the boy’s behaviour.

“Your sister left. She was rather upset, probably because you’re willing to let her brother die.” Caroline Buckley never was one to hold her punches and this time was no different. The thought that his sister was on their parents’ side, felt like a knife to the heart for Evan. She had always been there for him when Sammy couldn’t, but she had Doug now, she didn’t have time for him anymore.

It took several days for Evan’s plan to begin. Luckily his night at the library had paid off and he now had someone to fight for him. Attorney Campbell Alexander had found a soft spot in his heart for the young boy and agreed to represent him in receiving medical emancipation from his parents. It was going to be a long and difficult process, but all the pieces were finally in place and ready to be played.

Delivering the news to his parents was terrifying. Evan asked to speak with them and the three of them found themselves sat around the dining table once again. They looked down their noses at their son, disgusted with the man he was becoming.

“Well, we haven’t got all day, Evan. What did you want to tell us?” Taking a deep breath, Buck slid a brown envelope across the table, into his parents’ hands. They looked at him in confusion, the first time in a long time they’d had anything but anger in their eyes when staring at him.

“What is this?” Nathan questioned as his wife tore open the envelope.

“YOU’RE SUING US?” To say tension filled the room wouldn’t fully describe the atmosphere that the dining room now held. Evan’s parents glared at their son as they tried to process the new and shocking information.

“Say something, you ungrateful son of a bitch!”

“It’s my body. I should decide what to do with it. So, I’m suing you for a partial termination of your parental rights. I won’t let you keep forcing me to do things I don’t want to.”

“How dare you? Look at me Evan, I am your mother and if I say you need to do something you should do it without question. You really think this is going to solve anything?”

“Your mother is right. No judge would terminate our rights. We are damn good parents. Does your brother’s life really mean that little to you? Doing this will kill him!”

“Why can’t you see my side of this?”

“Because, Evan, that’s all you see. You’re selfish and exhausting. Go to your room now!” Evan didn’t bother arguing. He had never seen his father quite so furious and for the first time in his life he felt genuinely scared of the man he called dad.

He was sat in his room, silent tears rolling down his face when he heard footsteps approach. Suddenly, a locking sound came from his door. His parents had locked him in and slid a note on the floor.

_Evan,_

_We are going to visit your brother and inform him of what you are doing. Do not leave your room. You will not get away with this. Spend the next few hours thinking about your choices._

_Mum and Dad_

“No no no no!” Evan screamed as he stood quickly, running towards the door. He banged on it desperately, as though he had the strength to knock it down. “Please don’t do this, don’t leave me in here. Please” he begged, but no one could hear him. His parents were already in the car and pulling off the driveway. Who knew how long they would be gone for. Panic began to take over every part of his being. He couldn’t breathe, _what was happening?_ For a second he thought he was dying. Every hair stood on end, his hands trembled uncontrollably and no matter how hard he tried he just couldn’t catch his breath. All he wanted that second was for someone to hold him, to tell him he was going to get through this. But no one was there. He was alone, locked in his room with only silence for company.

_I… I can’t do this… Help me… Please…_


	5. It Kills Me How Your Mind Can Make You Feel So Worthless

Bobby and Athena never left Buck’s side during his intense panic attack. Every second, he waited for them to tell him to ‘man up’ and just walk away. But they never did. They sat by his side encouraging him to breathe with them, to listen to their heartbeats to try and steady his own. Evan had struggled with anxiety for most of his life and despite having lived for 28 years, this was the first time he hadn’t battled a panic attack alone. He’d forever be grateful for the love Athena and Bobby were unconditionally supplying him.

Eventually, Buck began to breathe properly and thanks the love and comfort his pseudo-parents offered, his heart found its regular rhythm again.

“Feelin’ better Buckaroo?” Athena place her hand on his cheek, showing him the motherly love he’d always desired.

“Yeah… I’m sorry about that.” Bobby shook his head at Buck’s words, mentally cursing the people who made Buck feel the need to apologise for things he couldn’t control.

“Hey, no. You do not need to apologise for having an anxiety attack. It’s not your fault, son. Do you think you can tell us what triggered it?”

“Maddie said Mum and Dad moved up their trip, they’re gonna be here in a few hours. I’m not ready for this…” The couple wrapped themselves around Buck, as though they could shield him from the world and all of its pain. The family were disrupted from their comfortable bubble by the sound of Bobby’s alarm. It was almost time for their shifts.

“Hey kid, I think you should take today off, stay here with Athena. You’ve had a rough night, you need to take care of yourself. Is that okay with you?”

“Yeah, sounds good Cap.”

* * *

Athena and Buck could easily both be considered workaholics. Sitting around at home with nothing to do would easily drive them insane which is why they decided to make lunch for the 118. While sat at home, they’d seen the firefighters on the new. Apparently, some dumb kids had been playing with fireworks and started a bunch of fires. It was like every time one was put out another one ignited. Figuring that the members of the 118 would be too exhausted to cook, Athena and Buck made their way to station, groceries in hand, ready to give them a well-deserved, home cooked meal.

Neither of them was sure what the 118 knew with regards to Buck’s current situation. Bobby would never share anything that Buck wanted to keep to himself, there was no doubt the Captain had kept his past a secret. However, Hen and Chimney could be relentless when it came to knowing the inside scoop on their friends’ personal lives. Hopefully Bobby had been able to field off the questions they threw his way.

* * *

The station was definitely quieter without Buck. His infectious smile and energetic laugh was the beating heart of firehouse 118. Not to mention he and Eddie were practically attached at the hip. It was kind of funny how much of a lost puppy Eddie seemed without his best friend.

No one mentioned the elephant in the room, all waiting for someone else to bite the bullet and bring it up. In the end, at the morning briefing, Bobby casually mentioned that Buck was taking a personal day, then quickly changed the topic of conversation.

The first few hours of their shift went off without a hitch. They’d had back to back calls about kids messing with fireworks, giving the firefighters very little time to discuss Buck’s absence. That was until they returned to the station for the first time in almost 3 hours. Every one of them was starving, they’d worked up quite the appetite, so to be greeted by the enticing aroma’s coming from the kitchen was a very welcome surprise.

“Well, look who it is!” Hen hugged Buck when she reached the kitchen area, using the hug as an excuse to get a closer look at what was cooking.

“Buck and I thought you could use a nice lunch after your rough morning. I mean seriously, who on earth lets teenagers have access to fireworks?” Bobby kissed his wife on the cheek, laughing at the dramatic eye roll that accompanied her question. “All of you go wash up then come sit down, food is almost ready.” Knowing better than to argue with Sergeant Grant, the four firefighters did exactly as they were told, returning fast ready to enjoy whatever dish had been made. Everyone loved it when Athena came by and cooked, she always knew how to treat them well.

To say the meal was enjoyed would be an understatement. All you could hear around the house were the echoes of satisfied moans and the scrape of cutlery against plates. For once, the universe seemed to be on their side, and they managed to make it through every last bite of food without the alarm disrupting them. But when do nice things ever last when it comes to the 118.

The moment he no longer had a mouthful of food, Chimney decided it was time to interrogate Evan. They all knew Chim had been dying to say something from the moment the paramedic laid eyes on Buck and he’d been uncharacteristically quiet ever since.

“Hey Buck, can we talk in private please?” Before Evan could even begin to worry, Athena jumped in answering on his behalf.

“Everything okay, Chimney?” She gave him her best ‘do not mess with me’ look, which in most instances would’ve done the trick. Not today though. Howie was determined to say what he thought.

“No actually, Athena everything is not okay.”

“Howard Han I highly suggest you stop talking right now!”

“With all due respect Athena, this is between me and Buck.”

Buck’s eyes remained trained of the floor. He knew Maddie had probably told Chimney everything (everything she knew at least). If he got her side of the story, Buck probably seemed like an ungrateful kid who wouldn’t get along with his parents just for a few days while they visit. In a very unlike Buck fashion, a surge of confidence mixed with anger caused the youngest firefighter to defend himself before Chim could even begin.

“Look Chim, I guarantee you that whatever you think you know isn’t the whole truth. Maybe just let it go. Please.”

“Buck your sister does everything she can to make life easier for you. You know she didn’t tell you about your parent’s visit so that you wouldn’t stress about it. Why do you have to be so hard on her? All she wants is for her parents to be a part of our child’s life, why are you trying to get in the way of that. She asked you to be civil with your parents and rather than just agreeing you demanded she tell them the same thing. It’s like your trying to make things difficult!”

“Chimney, that’s enough!” The entire house went silent. No one had ever heard the Captain use such an aggressive tone. Bobby wasn’t going to allow Howard to speak his son like that.

“I don’t know what you think is going on and I don’t care. You will not speak to anyone like that in this house! Have I made myself clear?”

“Uh, sorry are we interrupting something?” The sudden addition of a new voice, startled everyone, Buck in particular. Standing at the top of the stairs was Maddie and directly behind her were Nathaniel and Caroline Buckley.

* * *

***16 Years Earlier***

It was a sunny afternoon in mid-July when Buck realised he had no family. He was sat on the stairs, listening in to his parent’s conversation (it was the only way he could find out anything about Sammy these days). Hearing his name come up sent chills down his spine. Nothing good ever came from them talking about him.

“How could he do this to his own brother. Does he not realise that Sammy is going to die because of him? God, he is so exhausting. Why can’t he be the one barely holding on to life. I could live with losing him, but losing Sammy, I don’t think I’m going to be able to handle that Nathan. I can’t believe the judge is siding with him.”

Maybe his mum was right, he was exhausting. It was tiring just being him, being around him must be ten times worst. That night he lay in his bed contemplating his options. There seem to be only one clear way out. No one wanted him around, he wasn’t sure he wanted to live anymore and dying would allow his parents to give his kidney to Sammy. In a perfect world someone would be there to hold him and tell him life was worth living. But he didn’t live in that world. His entire life all he’d wanted was a family that loved him, that took care of him, and it was starting to become clear how little chance he had of ever getting that. What was the point in waiting around for a future that was never going to come?

Sneaking out of the house wasn’t hard. His parents didn’t care about him enough to keep an eye on him. He knew exactly where he was going to go. There was a bridge overlooking a river near his parents’ house. Maddie used to take him down to the small green area by the water for a picnic when their parents were busy with Sammy. But even she couldn’t make time for him anymore. Buck couldn’t exactly blame her for leaving. Though his parents loved Maddie, they never gave her the attention a child needed. Everything she achieved, she did alone. Yes, they were there to celebrate graduation and brag about their daughter getting into nursing school, but they played no part in her success. He missed her so much. She would understand though. At least he hoped she would.

Slowly, with tears clouding his vision, Buck climbed over the railing. He looked out at the scenery glad that the last thing he would see was a sky full of stars. Just as he was about to jump, the sound of sirens halted his plans.

“Kid, you should get down from there, its dangerous.” A man in a firefighter uniform came cautiously toward him holding out an arm to help him get down.

“I know what I’m doing.” He yelled at the firefighter, pissed that someone was getting in the way of him finally being free.

“I don’t know what’s going on in your life right now but trust me when I say that there is always another way. There’s gotta be a reason for you to stay.” Something about the man’s compassion broke down Buck’s walls. Sat on the edge of a bridge, way past midnight, he spilled every last secret he had to the man whose name he didn’t know. He told him of the pain, the pressure and the panic he felt on a daily basis. He spoke about Sammy and how badly he didn’t want to let his brother down.

“Son, I can’t even begin to imagine how you fell right now. You’ve suffered more pain in your few years than anyone should ever have to in an entire lifetime. You deserve a chance to be happy. Let me help you, kid, please.”

The firefighters took Buck to see his brother once they got him safely back to ground. The kid needed his older brother and they weren’t going to keep the two apart as long as they could help it.

In the early hours of the following morning, while holding his brother as tight as he could, Sammy Buckley passed away. The heavens wanted a Buckley, and in the end, Sammy was the angel they chose.


	6. I Don't Need The Memories We Had

If looks could kill, Evan and Maddie’s parents would’ve fallen to floor the moment they reached the top of the stairs at the 118. Athena and Bobby were glaring at them, their fierce need to protect Buck winning over any socially expected politeness.

“Mr and Mrs Buckley, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” Chimney surged forward, desperate to make a good impression on his girlfriend’s parents.

“Mum, Dad this is Howie.” Maddie stepped to the side allowing her parents to move further into the firehouse loft. Both sporting gigantic smiles, Nathan and Carol hugged Howard, gripping tightly as they greeted the father of their first grandchild.

“It’s lovely to meet you, Howie. My husband and I have heard nothing but good things.”

To anyone who wasn’t aware of the tension between Evan and his parents, the Buckleys seemed to be the perfect parents. It appeared as though they loved their daughter and were thrilled to be a part of her future child’s life. However, to everyone who knew how poorly the Buckley parents had treated their youngest son, they seemed cold and distant, barely even glancing in his direction let alone acknowledging his existence.

Placing a calming hand on Evan’s shoulder as he moved, Bobby made his way towards Nathaniel and Caroline trying his best to wear a convincible fake smile.

“Hi, I’m Captain Nash. This is my firehouse.”

“Pleasure to meet you Captain. Nice place you have here.” Bobby nodded in thanks, reluctantly accepting the hand Nathan extended in his direction. It was easily the most aggressive handshake Captain Nash had ever given. Mr Buckley could sense the anger radiating from the Captain but chose not to focus on it, instead turning back to Howie and Maddie.

“So, when are you due Madeline?”

While the conversation raged on, Buck took the opportunity to sneak away, disappearing into the bunkroom as fast as he could. He wasn’t sure what upset him most, his parents ignoring him or the fact that they showed more love towards Chimney in the few moments they’d spent with him than they had Buck in his entire life.

For once, he wasn’t alone with his thoughts for very long. Less than a minute after walking away, Bobby and Athena came peacefully into the bunk room, arms out ready for hugs. He didn’t even hesitate before collapsing into their waiting arms. They held him as tight as they could, giving him every last bit of love they had inside themselves. There was no way in hell the Buckley’s were going to get anywhere near Buckaroo, not on their watch.

“I haven’t seen them in ten years, and they didn’t even look at me” Buck cried, gasping for breath between sobs. “They don’t care about me at all. I thought… its stupid but… I thought that maybe after all this time they would’ve moved on… that they’d forgive me…”

“Evan Buckley, look at me right now.” Athena lightly grasped his face in her hands, looking deeply into his eyes. “You did nothing wrong. There’s nothing for them to forgive. They should be the ones begging you for forgiveness. Buckaroo, it is taking every bit of my self-control to not walk back up there and drag their asses to the station. Those two should be in prison for what they did to you, what they put you through was abuse…” She waited a second to let the words sink in before continuing. “Buck, whatever you need us to do, we will do. If you want them gone, we’ll kick them out of here. If you want us to go yell at them, I’ll give them all I’ve got. But it has to be your decision.” Buck had never been more grateful to hear those words. Never once had his parents offered him a choice. They’d had all the power, but now he could be the one in control. He had never felt safer than he did right now in the arms of his chosen family.

“They never gave me an option. It was all up to them, I couldn’t do anything without them ordering me to do it. I know I can be reckless sometimes and I’ve pissed the two of you off more times than I can count, but it’s just because I wasn’t used to being in control. For the first time in my life I could do whatever I wanted, and I got a little carried away with it. You know the first decision I ever really made myself was the night Sammy died. I was going to jump off a bridge, figured I could end the pain, save Sammy and give my parents what they wanted all in one go. But I didn’t do it. Someone saw me, called 911 and this firefighter spent at least an hour just letting me tell him every last bit of agony I was feeling. I made a choice that night, that I was never going to let my parents hurt me again. So, after Sammy passed, I spent every day focusing on how I was gonna get the hell out of there. I studied constantly, worked a bunch of part time jobs to save up for college and then I left the day I turned 18. All I want is for them to see that they didn’t break me, that I made something out of myself despite everything they did. But I don’t think I’m strong enough yet to stand in front of them and tell them exactly how I feel…”

“Buck, you are without a doubt, the strongest man I have ever known. Yes, I joke about you being a dumbass kid with no self-control, but it’s not really who you are. I couldn’t have asked for a better firefighter. You make my job easier to do because I know that no matter what, you will do whatever it takes to save a life. And when it doesn’t go your way, you pick yourself back up and keep going, and I couldn’t be prouder of you for that. Your parents don’t deserve to know you.”

* * *

***10 Years Earlier***

Evan was really going to do it. He was going to leave home and never look back. Packing his things wasn’t difficult, he didn’t really have much. His parents only bought him necessities, deeming him unworthy of spending too much money on. The only possession he had that truly held meaning was a scrapbook. Sammy had made it for him. The pages told a story, his story. It was the tale of a kid born to save his brother. Each page was covered with notes from Sammy himself, letting Buck know just how important he was. Every procedure he had ever endured was included, a message by the side saying how it changed Sammy’s life. It was as though his older brother had known exactly how Evan would feel after his death. He wanted to make sure that, even when he was no longer around, his little brother knew just how important he was and that every last thing he went through wasn’t for nothing. Sammy had even decorated pages for the future, leaving gaps for Evan to stick in photos. There was his graduation, homecoming, college acceptance, first date, first job and so much more. For any other kid, the pictures stuck in wouldn’t just be of themselves, but of their families celebrating the important moments together. But that wasn’t the case for Buck. As he reminisced, flicking through the scrapbook pages, one thing became shockingly clear. His parents didn’t want to be a part of his life.

So, he was finally going to do it. Evan Buckley was leaving home. Life hadn’t been kind to him, and his parents were majorly at fault. They set their standards too high, it was inevitable that he would disappoint them. He was a burden to them, a reminder of what they lost. He failed them, he failed Maddie and he failed Sammy. Evan had tried so hard to be okay. He did everything he could to make his brother proud, fighting to do something good with his life. But it was so difficult, he was all alone and he was sick of it. It was time he walked away.

Nathaniel and Caroline Buckley didn’t deserve to know him.


	7. You Won't Even Notice That I'm Gone

When Buck, Athena and Bobby finally emerged from the bunkroom, Nathaniel and Caroline were nowhere to be seen. The mood in the station was tense and uncomfortable, clearly Buck’s attempt to sneak away unnoticed wasn’t as subtle as he had hoped. All attention was on Evan when the three of them finally reached the kitchen area, not a single pair of eyes weren’t trained on him. Bobby, sensing Buck’s distress at being the centre of attention, turned to Maddie, asking the question Athena had been wanting to since the moment they’d returned from the bunkroom.

“Where did your parents go?”

“Oh, they went to check in at their hotel.”

The awkwardness didn’t let up. Every second that passed, left the inhabitants of the loft feeling more and more uneasy. Buck’s gaze remained locked on the floor, knowing that the moment he made eye contact with anyone he would be expected to explain himself.

Luckily for Buck, Sammy must’ve been looking down at him in that moment. Just when he felt his anxiety begin to rise, the sound of crutches echoed around the firehouse. Christopher Diaz came barrelling towards Buck as fast as he could, walking straight past his own father, throwing said man a smirk as he did so.

“BUCKY!”

Evan scooped the young boy up into his arms, spinning him round as the youngster giggled.

“Superman! What are you doing here?”

“Daddy said you were having a bad day so me and Carla brought you cookies!”

Buck turned to Eddie, shooting him a thankful smile. He felt so lucky to have the Diaz boys in his life.

“You brought me cookies! Wow! Thank you so much, buddy… Your dad didn’t have anything to do with making them right… I don’t really want food poisoning.”

The laugh Christopher let out made Buck’s heart swell, the sound never failed to bring a grin to his face. Eddie on the other hand was looking a mix between unimpressed and amused, he couldn’t seem to make up his mind about Buck and Chris teaming up against him.

“You know the cookies were my idea, no need to diss my cooking. I only started a fire once. Let it go.”

“NEVER!” Christopher threw himself at his father, throwing his head back in joy as they all teased Eddie for his questionable cooking skills. With Buck no longer holding Chris, Carla took the opportunity to pull the young man into a hug, whispering in his ear as she did so. “I’ve missed that smile Buckaroo.”

Once the excitement died down, and the cookies had been eaten, the uncomfortableness began to return. Even Chris could sense the change in atmosphere. In an attempt to ease the obvious tension buck was feeling, Chris gently grasped the older man’s cheek like he had before the tsunami hit.

“You’re gonna be okay, kid.”

Tears began to fill Evan’s eyes. But for the first time in a while, they were happy tears. Christopher always knew what to say and the kid never failed to amaze him. Even Bobby and Athena found themselves getting emotional at the adorable scene unfolding.

Unfortunately, moments like that never last. Hen, realising their shifts had ended several minutes ago, made her move to leave, giving everyone a hug as she excused herself from the table. Chimney followed her lead, placing a quick kiss on Maddie’s cheek before disappearing towards to locker-room.

“Buck, can you come to my place, I think we need to talk.”

“Maybe another time Mads.”

His voice shook as he spoke. The only reason he managed to get the words out of his mouth was because Athena placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder, a subtle reminder that he didn’t have to do something that he wasn’t ready for. The only problem was that Maddie wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

“Evan, come on, we need to talk.”

“Maddie, he said no” Bobby jumped in, ready to protect Buck from the pain he’d suffered his entire life.

“With all due respect, this has nothing to do with you Captain Nash. Evan lets go.”

Buck hated confrontation so, in an effort to prevent the argument from escalating, he nodded to his sister, trying his best to keep the tears from falling. He wasn’t ready to have this conversation with her, but it seemed like he didn’t have a choice.

Bobby and Athena shared a quick glance, there was no way they were going to allow this. Evan Buckley was their son, their responsibility.

“Maddie, come with me for a second, please.” Athena’s tone made it clear she was not in the mood to be argued with, yet Maddie still wouldn’t let it go.

“What? Seriously why are you all getting involved in this. You two are not Evan’s parents.”

“How dare you speak to me like that. We may not be related by blood, but we love him more than the two assholes you call mum and dad ever did.”

“What are you talking about? Buck, let’s go now.”

“STOP IT!”

No one was expecting Christopher to step in. The moment he saw Buck, his hero, begin to cry he couldn’t allow the argument to go on any longer. “Why are you being so mean. You made Bucky cry.”

“Come on, son. I think we should go, this is between them.”

“No, dad, they made Bucky sad.”

Eddie didn’t know what to do. The tsunami had undoubtedly brought Chris and Buck closer together, but it had also unleashed a protectiveness in Christopher that Eddie had never seen until now. Without waiting for his father to respond, Chris let go of his hand, launching himself into Bucks arms. It was as though he thought that as long as Buck was holding him, Maddie couldn’t make her brother leave.

They had reached a standstill.

No one would back down.

All were stood still as statues, never letting up.

Maddie shook her head in defeat. “Why are you doing this? I just want to talk to my brother. You’re acting like I’m kidnapping him or something. Evan what the hell is going on?”

Buck looked into his sisters’ eyes and he knew he couldn’t keep his trauma from her anymore. Tears slipped out of his eyes as he took a seat back at the table. He took a deep breath and let it all out. No more secrets, no more hiding.

* * *

***10 Years Earlier***

Leaving his hometown behind wasn’t a difficult decision for Buck. Though he had some good memories, the place he called home held mostly reminders of how little his parents thought he was worth. However, there was one thing he needed to do before he left for good. Having packed up his things and jumped in his car, Evan drove directly to the one place in town he’d been visiting religiously for years.

Pulling up to the cemetery never failed to send a shiver down his spine. Sammy had always loved horror movies, so he’d find it pretty funny how jumpy his little brother was every time he came to visit.

“Hey Sammy.” Buck slowly knelt down in front of the tombstone he knew too well. It said a lot about his home situation that buck had spent more time talking to his brother’s grave than he did his living parents.

“I’m sorry. I just can’t live with them anymore. They don’t love me, but that’s not your fault, it was never your fault. It was mine. I couldn’t save you and I will spend the rest of my life doing whatever I can to make up for that… So, I’m going to college, I promise I’ll do something good with my life, make you proud… I know this is so stupid and you probably can’t hear me… but if by some chance you are here can you please check on Maddie for me. She’s completely cut herself out of our lives and it is starting to scare me. It’s feeling like she’s gone too, that’s she’s with you not me. I know she’s alive, but it doesn’t feel like it… Keep an eye on her for me… I miss you so much Sammy. I don’t think I’ll ever come back here, I’m sorry. I told myself that I’d never let a day go by without coming to visit you but if I stay in this town, I’m gonna end up needing a tombstone of my own… I will make you proud, you’ll see. I love you Sammy. Goodbye.”


	8. Resigned To Fate, Fading Away

Maddie was horrified. She wasn’t sure what she wanted to be true right now. If Buck was lying, then her parents were good people, but her brother couldn’t be trusted. On the other hand, if Buck was telling the truth then he was abused his entire life by the people who were supposed to protect him.

It was all too much to process.

Hearing her brother break down into uncontrollable sobs as he told the 118 of his past broke her heart into a million pieces. If all of it was true, then there was no way those pieces would be able to be stuck together.

She brought their parents here, she got mad at Buck, blamed him for not wanting to see them. There was only one way to clear all of this up. She needed to speak to her parents… now.

Before anyone could stop her, Maddie fled the firehouse, breaking every speed limit as she drove to her parents’ hotel. The elevator ride seemed endless. With every floor that passed, Maddie grew more and more worried. She was about to accuse her parents of something unforgivable. _What if none of it was true?_

Desperately, she tried to steady her breath, waiting a second before knocking on the hotel room door.

A second passed with no response.

Then she heard the footsteps.

Then the sound of a lock turning.

Finally, she came face to face with her father.

“Maddie! I thought we were going out for dinner later. Did I get the time wrong?”

“No, actually I really need to talk to you and mom.”

Sensing the urgency in her voice, Nathan opened the door and welcomed her in, calling his wife over as he did so. The three Buckleys sat in the hotel room, it was easily the most awkward moment in their relationship so far.

“So, Maddie, what was it you wanted to talk about?”

“Why aren’t you guys talking to Evan? And don’t tell me to ask him, because I already did and now, I want to hear it from you.”

Nathan and Carol looked at each other, their anger rising quickly. Carol cleared her throat and stood up in an attempt to show her authority.

“Madeline, Evan let your brother die.”

“No. Cancer killed Sammy.”

“That may be so, but Evan had a chance to save him and instead he did nothing.”

“Nothing! Are you serious? You call an entire childhood of surgeries and donations nothing? I can’t believe I never it saw it…”

“Saw what?”

“How badly you treated him… You forced him into situations he wasn’t comfortable with, you put him through a seemingly endless world of pain and never once felt sorry for it. How the hell did I not see it sooner? You abused him!”

“How dare you speak to your mother and I like that! I don’t know what that boy has been telling you, but I guarantee it’s all lies. He is the one who stood by while your brother wasted away to nothing. He was the one who threw away the chance to save Sammy. He was the one who left us behind.”

“He never had you in the first place…”

* * *

The station was unusually calm. After his breakdown, the 118 had decided to stick around for a while, all settling down in front of the TV not quite ready to let go of their youngest just yet. Hen and Chimney had been updated on the situation having left before things escalated, yet within minutes of receiving texts from Athena and Bobby, both paramedics were back in their cars, driving to the station eager to join in the family movie night that was now in progress.

Christopher was snuggled in Bucks lap, clinging to him gently. His head was tucked into his Bucky’s neck, eyes drooping slowly as sleep took hold. Bobby and Eddie were on either side of Evan, both feeling the need to keep him close, holding whatever part of him they could. Athena was in the kitchen, making some popcorn with Hen and Chimney, admiring the scene in front of them. It was a picture-perfect moment.

But it wasn’t a picture, so it didn’t last.

The sound of a car pulling up outside the station disrupted the peaceful atmosphere. Immediately recognising the two exiting the vehicle, Athena made a move towards the stairs, ready to defend her family.

“WHERE IS HE?” The shrill echo of Caroline’s voice, shattered the safety net Buck had found himself in. He began to look around the room, searching for an exit, an escape.

“Mrs Buckley, you are not welcome here. I suggest you leave.” Athena somehow managed to keep a level head as the Buckley parents approached, hoping to deescalate the situation before it spiralled out of control.

“EVAN WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY TO YOUR SISTER?”

Seeing the way Christopher cowered at the sound of his parents’ yells awoke something in Buck. His need to protect Chris overpowered his fear of his parents. He was done letting them control him. With newfound confidence, Evan stepped forward, every eye in the room followed him.

“I told her the truth.”

“Oh really? And what truth is that exactly?”

“That you treated me like I was worthless. That I was nothing more than spare parts to you. That you made me fend for myself rather than forgive me for something that wasn’t my fault. Sammy wasn’t just your son. He was my brother and I loved him. I gave him everything I could.”

“You didn’t give him enough!”

“BECAUSE HE DIDN’T WANT ANYMORE! He wanted to die but you wouldn’t listen. He spent his entire life fighting and he couldn’t do it any longer. He tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen…”

“HOW DARE YOU BLAME THIS ON YOUR BROTHER, YOU SELFISH UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BRAT!”

Everything happened fast after that. Suddenly, Nathan’s hand was in the air moving swiftly towards Buck’s face, almost knocking his son over with the sheer force of the slap. Without hesitation, Athena grabbed the older man’s wrists, twisting them behind his back.

“You are under arrest!”

The handcuffs snapped together, and Nathaniel’s fate was sealed.

* * *

***17 Years Earlier***

The two brothers were sat in Sammy’s hospital room. The white walls and clean floors were a second home to them, albeit an uncomfortable one. Things were calm, Sammy was having a good day and the pair were once again playing a game of snap, getting intensely competitive.

“Hey baby bro, can we talk about something for a sec.”

“You just want an excuse to end this round. We both know you suck at this and I am going to win… again.”

“Haha very funny Evan. I’m serious though, I really need to ask you something.”

“What wrong Sammy?”

“I’ve fought as long and as hard as I can. But I don’t think…”

“No. Don’t finish that sentence. You are not dying yet.”

“Please, Evan I need you to listen. I need a new kidney. But I don’t want it. I have had enough of all the needles and the surgeries. I want to enjoy what’s left of my life. I can’t do that if I’m stuck in a hospital bed. They want your kidney and that is gonna change the rest of your life. You have done so much for me, but I can’t ask you do this. I love you more than you’ll ever know, and I couldn’t be more grateful for the time you’ve given me. We both need this to stop. I tried to tell mom and dad that I’m tired of fighting, but you know them. They always think they know what’s best, so I need you to do something for me. You don’t need to decide right now, just think about it. Next time you have a second, look into medical emancipation. Trust me, it’s exactly what we both need…”


	9. What A Mess Of Me You've Made

Caroline Buckley had always had a plan for her life. From the very beginning things seemed to go her way. She got the top grades, graduated from an ivy league college and married her high school sweetheart. Together the Buckley’s created a typical ‘American dream’ life for themselves. They had a white picket fence and two wonderful kids. Then their son was diagnosed with leukaemia and the picture-perfect life Caroline had planned went out the window. She did her best to stay positive, to believe when the doctors said that there was hope, but everyone runs out of steam eventually. Having more than two children was not on Carol’s agenda but when her son’s option for survival ran out, having a ‘saviour sibling’, another child appeared to be a blessing. The Buckley’s had a chance to both build their family and give Sammy a chance at a longer life.

One could not fault Caroline’s dedication to her son, Sammy. Everything she did, she did for him. However, with her attention focused solely on her eldest son, she failed to notice the slow breaking of her youngest’s sprit.

When Evan had first been born, Carol and Nathan had doted on the youngster. Snuggling with their new-born as most parents do. They held in their arms the key to Sammy’s survival. But as the novelty wore off and the countless medical procedures began, their love for Evan rapidly declined. He became nothing more than a body of viable organs and despite his young age, he knew exactly how they saw him.

Caroline never had a good relationship with Evan. _How could she?_ The longest time she had ever spent with him was when he was sharing a hospital room with Sammy. She had tunnel vision. Sammy was her only priority and while Maddie and Evan understood her choices, they couldn’t help but feel like their lives meant less to her.

Maybe if Carol and Nathan had spent more time with their healthy children, Maddie wouldn’t have found herself in an abusive marriage and Evan wouldn’t have kept his numerous near-death experiences to himself. Sammy had been dead for a long time and both Maddie and Evan almost joined him, yet their parents were nowhere to be seen.

Caroline had been in denial for a long time. She spent every day trying to convince herself she had done nothing wrong. That putting her child at risk in order to save another was forgivable. Evan was the one who filed for medical emancipation, he let his brother die and then walked away from his parents when things weren’t going his way. _Surely, he was the one to blame here… right?_

Everything changed the moment her husband struck their son. The police sergeant standing by them snapped the cuffs on his wrists, eyes wild with anger. Caroline recognised the fury in the woman’s eyes. It was the look of a mother ready to protect her child. Evan had found himself a new family, a new mother and father. He’d found people who loved him. Seeing the look in Sergeant Grant’s eyes put everything into perspective for Carol. She should’ve felt that anger seeing her husband physically assault their son. Caroline Buckley had failed in her job as a mother and she was only just beginning to realise that.

“Mr Buckley you are under arrest for battery. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in…”

Everything became a blur for Carol. Her husband was in cuffs being escorted to a police car. Her son was crying in his chosen family’s arms. Her daughter had just pulled up, taking in the scene and immediately pulling her brother into a warm and loving embrace. Evan and Maddie had the family Carol should’ve given them.

With multiple witnesses and a very determined police sergeant against him, Nathaniel Buckley was charged with battery and given 6 months in county jail. His wife wasn’t there at the sentencing and it didn’t go unnoticed. Both Maddie and Buck weren’t sure what to do now. Their father was in jail and clearly their mother wasn’t sure how to handle everything. _What were they supposed to do?_ Luckily, Caroline answered the question for them, leaving a letter on Evan’s doorstep. The letter, though delivered to Buck, was addressed to both siblings so Buck found himself driving over to his sister’s place. It was time they talked.

He knocked on her door like he had a million times before, but this felt different.

“Hey baby brother!”

“Hey Mads!”

The pair sat on Maddie’s couch, finding it difficult to make eye contact with one another. Neither really knew where to start.

“Evan…”

“Look Maddie…”

Great minds think alike. They both tried to start the conversation themselves, breaking into a fit of laughter as they did so.

“You go first Maddie.”

“Okay. I need to apologise for how I acted. You’re my brother and I love you. I should never have put you in a position that made you uncomfortable. The moment you showed discomfort at the mention of mom and dad I should’ve tried to understand why, talked to you face to face. I handled everything terribly. What our parents put you through is unforgivable and I am so sorry I left you with them. You didn’t deserve any of the pain they put you through. Trust me, I know better than anyone how hard it can be to believe that you deserved better. So, whatever you need, I am right here for you.” Maddie couldn’t keep talking any longer, the tears overwhelming her. The two Buckley’s held each other as they cried, looking after one another like their parents should’ve. “We’re going to be alright, Evan.”

“I know. I love you Maddie and I’m sorry I kept everything from you.”

“No, you do not need to apologise… for anything.”

“I’m glad I have you Mads. I really missed you when you left home.”

“I missed you too.”

“There’s something else… I got a letter this morning. It’s clearly in mom’s handwriting and it’s addressed to both of us. I didn’t want to read it without you.”

“Then let’s do it together.”

Maddie held out her hand, comforting her brother with a gentle squeeze and began to read.

> _Dear Evan and Madeline,_
> 
> _I have tried to write this letter several times, but it just seems to get harder and harder. I truly don’t know where to start. I’ve done a lot of thinking the past few days, tried to figure out where I went wrong. I’ve realised that I messed up the second your father and I decided to go through with the IVF._
> 
> _Evan, I will never regret bringing you into this world, but I do regret only having you for the purpose of saving your brother. The burden we put on you before you were even born was more than any one person should ever have to carry. I wish I could take it all back but I can’t. What kind of mother puts her child through so much pain without ever considering the effect it will have? I let you down and I will forever be sorry._
> 
> _Maddie, you are an incredible woman. I missed so many important moments in your life and for that I am sorry. It has been brought to my attention recently just how much pain and trauma you went through with your ex-husband. It’s a mother’s job to protect her daughter, to teach her that she deserves to be loved and respected. I failed in my job. I wish I had taken a second to really get to know the man you wanted to spend your life with, maybe then I could’ve protected you._
> 
> _The two of you have become such amazing human beings and none of that is thanks to your father and I. Realising that I know nothing about my own children was a horrifying feeling. I cannot ask you to forgive me, we are beyond that point now. But I would love the chance to really get to know you, to be a part of your lives as much as you will allow. I promise you I will be a better person._
> 
> _Maddie, I have no doubt that you will be a wonderful mother and I am so happy you found someone who loves you so deeply and so purely._
> 
> _Evan it is clear that you finally have the family you always deserved, and I couldn’t be happier for you._
> 
> _Everything you two are and everything you achieved you did by yourselves and you should be unbelievably proud of that. Sammy would be in awe of the lives you’ve built for yourselves and the people you have become. There is not a doubt in my mind that wherever he is now, he is watching the two of you with a level of pride that cannot be measured._
> 
> _My number has not changed if you wish to contact me. I am returning home for now, I think it’s best to give you the space you need._
> 
> _I love you both and I am sorry._
> 
> _Stay safe,_
> 
> _Love Mom_


	10. In A World Of Reinventions, It’s Never Too Late

Evan Buckley had always been a forgiving man. His love for people and distaste for confrontation always outweighed his need to hold a grudge. That being said, forgiving his mother for everything she had put him through was easier said than done. They started with a text every now and then, mostly to reassure Caroline that, despite his dangerous job, Evan was still alive. After that very first letter, Evan had begun working on his own reply. Talking to his mother face to face wasn’t something he was ready for just yet, so perhaps a letter was the right way to go.

Since his mother had returned to Hershey, Evan’s life had completely changed. After Maddie’s apology, one from Chimney soon followed. The two firefighters shared an emotional heart to heart, before becoming brothers once again. Their friendship wasn’t quite the same as before. Though Chimney still teased Buckaroo every now and then, he had also realised the importance of showing people love and respect. He never wanted to make Buck feel useless or alone like the Buckley parents had. Chim was now always cheering for Buck when he’d done a good job and holding him tight when things didn’t go his way.

Buck no longer had to face life alone. He’d always feared his found family knowing about his past. Countless nights had been spent worrying that they’d see him as a failure for not saving Sammy, but it turned out to be the opposite. They saw him as a hero, someone worth more than he ever thought he was. And no one was more vocal about seeing him as a hero than the Diaz boys, Christopher in particular.

The romance between Buck and Eddie had blossomed over the past few months. They were already best friends and worked in sync with each other, so the romantic aspects of their relationship came easily. Christopher and Eddie taught Buck how important he was, how to love himself. He still had bad days, days when all he wanted was to be held by his older brother one more time, but unlike before, he now had a light fighting through the darkness. The Diaz family took care of him, made him an honorary Diaz and he couldn’t love them more.

The firefighting family of the 118 had mended the cracks in the Buckley’s spirits, filling in the gaps with unconditional love and the anticipation for the arrival of the newest member of the family was high. The days leading up to her birth were full of excitement and competitive speculation. Obviously the 118 had a bet going on the sex of Maddie and Chimney’s child. The money on this particular bet was higher than most, they’d decided that no matter who won, the cash prize would go directly to the new parents.

Kevyn Samantha Han was born on a warm summer morning. Her mother and father fell in love with her the second they heard her cries. The road leading up to her birth had been long and rocky, but they wouldn’t have changed a second of it. Choosing her name wasn’t a difficult decision. Maddie and Chimney wanted nothing more than to honour the two people who they wished could’ve met their daughter. The memory of Kevin Lee and Sammy Buckley would be kept alive by the tiny baby girl in Maddie’s arms.

Kevyn was born into a family larger than most and every single member of that family was enamoured by her the moment they met her. It took a lot of persuading for Buck to actually hand his niece back over to her parents after his first meeting. When he held her for the first time, he couldn’t stop the tears from falling. She was beautiful, just like her mother.

“Sammy would have loved her.”

Maddie looked to her brother and daughter with a gaze of love and pride. Nodding tearfully at Evan’s words.

“Yeah, he really would.”

“I wish he was here…”

“Me too.”

The birth on his niece made one thing very clear for Evan. Life was incredible gift, one that shouldn’t be wasted. He made a decision that day. He was done fighting his past. His parents had made mistakes but spending the rest of his life hating the people who gave him this gift seemed pointless. Evan decided that his father was a lost cause. The man was in prison and still refused to acknowledge the hurt he caused his own child. For that reason, Evan wrote his father off. He wasn’t going to spend another second worrying about that man, he was not worth the time. Buck had Bobby now, he didn’t need Nathaniel’s half-assed attempt at parenting. Bobby was the only father figure he needed. No more hatred or anger would be wasted on Nathaniel Buckley.

His mother was another story. Since returning to Hershey, Caroline had turned her life around. She’d began therapy, quit her boring job and started a charity aimed at supporting the families of children with cancer. She knew she couldn’t erase the mistakes she made but she could help stop other parents from following in her footsteps. Evan and Maddie, though still wary of their mother’s intentions, were proud of the effort she made to become a better person. So, after the birth of Kevyn, Evan reached out to his mother in the form of a letter, inviting her on Maddie’s behalf to come back to LA to meet her grandchild.

> _Mom,_
> 
> _I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to reach out. I needed time to figure out what I want from life, but I think my mind is finally clear._
> 
> _What you and dad put me through was unbearable. I felt helpless, unloved and alone. I hope you realise that I would’ve given anything and everything to save Sammy, but I couldn’t force him to keep living a life of pain. He didn’t want my kidney and I needed to respect his wishes. He was stronger than most, but he just couldn’t keep fighting and neither could I._
> 
> _Hours before he died, I thought about killing myself. I stood on the edge of a bridge wanting nothing more than to jump. Without me to get in your way, you could give Sammy the kidney he needed. But a firefighter talked me down and took me to see Sammy when I needed it most._
> 
> _He saved me. That’s why I became a firefighter. I wanted to save people._
> 
> _I couldn’t save Sammy and no number of successful rescues will ever make me feel better about that. But I owe it to him to give other people another chance at life, the chance he didn’t get. Everything I have done since I left home, I did to make him proud. Nothing else really mattered, until now. I have found an incredible family who make me smile every day. For a long time, I let your opinion of me, and my choices hang over my head and control everything I did. But my family have shown me that I’m worth more than I ever thought, that my life has purpose beyond saving others._
> 
> _Maddie and I have heard about the charity you started, and we are happy you are doing something so important. Sammy would be proud of you._
> 
> _A few days ago, Maddie gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl. You have a granddaughter now. Her name is Kevyn Samantha and she is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. I know your last visit here wasn’t easy for any of us and ended on a particularly bad note, but life is too short to hang on to the past. Maddie wants you to meet her daughter and so do I. Kevyn can’t wait to meet her grandma._
> 
> _This isn’t us offering you forgiveness, I’m not sure either of us will ever have a perfect relationship with you. But, if life has taught me anything, it’s that family comes above all else. Maddie and I have found a family here that neither of us could’ve ever imagined having. They mean the world to us, but you will always be our mother._
> 
> _We have all suffered enough and it’s time we let the wounds heal._
> 
> _It’s never too late to make things right._
> 
> _Buck xx_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading x

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi on tumblr @homewasntbuiltinaday xx


End file.
